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  2010.01.23  22.06

I dreamt last night that a pretty Asian girl was showing me around a foreign city and that we were buying each other nice little gifts and new foods. Then I was lying in bed kissing a pretty boy with shaggy hair, thinking how long it had been since I kissed someone and how soft his lips were. Then I was pushing a cart along train tracks, and invisible trains were passing and the only way I had to dodge them was by seeing how the trains moved through the snow. Then I was looking for my friends in a hilly forested area, and when I crossed into a clearing, I stopped to appreciate how beautiful it all was—the leaves rustling and the light falling on them, the insects humming, and the soft sounds of the forest around me.

When I woke up the first thing I saw was a message that my grandmother had passed away that morning. She was my last surviving grandparent, my father’s mother. I’m sad but somewhat less sad knowing what a good life she had. She worked for her whole life, had a loving relationship with my grandfather, retired to the Caribbean and built a house on a cliff overlooking the ocean, and did a lot of traveling. She was almost ready to turn 87 and had been very healthy her whole life. She always seemed like a happy person to me and I have lots of fond memories of staying in her house on “The Cliff” on the small Dutch Caribbean island of St. Eustatius (Statia for short).

The last time I saw her was for my uncle’s funeral on Statia, in August 2008. Her memory was fading by then, but I remember the last time I saw her, she was squinting at all of us and said “I don’t recognize everyone here anymore, but I’m so happy to see all of you… especially you” and she pointed at me. I remember she was so happy when we called her to tell her I graduated college that she started crying. Lately though, her short term memory had gotten to the point where she couldn’t really remember how she had begun a sentence by the time she finished it, and she lost her train of thought a lot. I think she probably would have chosen to go by now if she could have seen and understood what she had become like, because she was always making jokes about how “dopey” (her word) she had become. I chose not to talk to her the last few times my dad called, because I felt like trying to explain who I was over the telephone (she could never hear over the phone very well) was just confusing her and unnecessarily making her upset. She would usually think I was my Dad after just a few seconds.

This afternoon I went with my mom to visit my great aunt in the nursing home. She’s 83 and my last surviving elderly family member. She has full-blown Alzheimer’s, but she normally seems calm and content whenever we visit her. She still makes really funny jokes (like when my mom pretended to dance while we were on our way to the dining hall, and she said “We can go back now, I just lost my appetite”). I think Alzheimer’s is much worse when you can tell the person is constantly distressed, and I’m glad my aunt’s not like that. My mom asked her how old she was and she guessed in her 60’s, and when my mom told her she was 83, she was shocked, but said “Well I guess I have to accept it, there’s nothing I can do to change it!” She also asked every two minutes how tall I was and if I was my mom’s husband, which made me and my mom smile.

My dad and his sister are making all of the funeral arrangements, so I’ll definitely be heading down sometime in the next few days. She’ll be buried in a seaside cemetery on top of my grandfather’s grave and not far from my uncle’s. It’ll be sad, especially for my dad, but I’m happy she had the life that she had. I think she was ready to go. Miss you, Granny.


(want to see the world?)

  2010.01.21  12.51
funny things

I received a package in work today from a man named DUSTY JUSTICE. Dusty justice is what I feel when I finish unpacking heaps of dirty and dusty boxes from fire departments.

My mom also said something funny to me last night:

"I bought stuffed flounder for dinner... it's like stuffed mushrooms, but with fish."

REALLY?!?!?!?!?!? That comparison totally helps me understand it, thanks mom!



(1 universal traveler | want to see the world?)

  2010.01.17  20.24

I went out in the city last night for dinner and drinks with Melissa and Lizzy and we talked about how much we’ve all changed since graduating, most noticeably that none of us binge drink anymore. I haven’t blacked out since the summer, which is probably my longest non-black out streak since I started drinking for the first time senior year of high school.

I’m honestly just sick of waking up dehydrated, poorly rested, with an achey head and stomach, with nasty party mud (Lizzy’s term for nasty post-drinking poop), and not remembering what I was saying to people or what I was doing. If I work hard all week, then I want my free time to be mine on the weekend and I want to make the most of it. I want to be able to get projects done and read books and be a productive person and not lie around hungover or burned out. I’m just soooo over this aspect of the college lifestyle right now. I still like a drink or two to loosen me up in social situations or to dance, but I literally used to have to get completed wasted to do any of that. I like that I can interact with people without using alcohol as a crutch.

I’ve made it a point recently to not even smoke cigarettes while drinking or spending time with my friends who do smoke. I’ve always had the habit of exhaling out of my nose, and I’d frequently wake up and blow my nose and cigarette tar and blood would come out. I thought it was gross but kept doing it.

I also haven’t been sick at all yet this winter, whereas in college I had pretty much a constant cough and runny nose all winter, I think because I’ve cut down so much on drinking and smoking. This is not to mention all of the stupid shit I’ve done while drunk, like cheating on my boyfriend, having unprotected sex with strangers, gashing my palms open, puking on myself and other people, losing phones and wallets, fucking my knees up even worse, etc etc.

When I went to visit Jan, I was put off by how much all of her housemates and her friends smoke. They literally spend entire weekends doing nothing but smoking pot and watching shows like Degrassi. I was like… really? How is this even fun? Smoking pot most of the time makes me antisocial, incoherent, and paranoid. I have lots of great memories of things I did while high, but I feel like I'm constantly hoping to have as much fun as I used to but almost never do anymore.

I think for the first time in my life now I have clear goals for myself and for how I want to be living. I want to become a nurse and provide people with care and comfort. I want to work for Peace Corps or Doctors Without Borders. I want to be able to earn enough money to take care of myself and my parents. I want to be healthy and clear minded. I want to learn as much as I can to better appreciate the beauty and complexity of the world we inhabit.


(2 universal travelers | want to see the world?)

  2010.01.17  19.57
nursing school

I’ve been having a difficult time registering as a non-matriculated student to take my nursing pre reqs. My local community college only would let me take two classes at a time, meaning I couldn’t get enrolled on my dad’s health insurance plan again as I wouldn’t be a full time student. At Binghamton and Stony Brook, non-matriculated students register last, and the woman I spoke to a Binghamton told me to expect not to be able to take all the classes I need there. Stony Brook is a massive bureaucratic run around, and I’d need notes of permission from each departmental head. All of this on top of the fact that some of the pre reqs also have pre reqs.

What’s looking like my best option is applying to a school that has the pre reqs folded into the program, meaning I apply before I take the pre reqs and admission is based on my previous undergrad performance and not the pre req grades, which are normally weighted pretty heavily. The only school I can find that has this is NYU, which is waaaay more expensive than the state schools I was looking at, but there could be several mitigating factors:

1. NYU has start dates twice a year, meaning I could start this fall instead of waiting until next summer, meaning I can start working as a nurse (and earning better pay than at the factory) way sooner.

2. It’s close by, so we’d have to spend a lot less money moving me and all of my furniture etc. around and flying/driving me or my parents back and forth.

3. I wouldn’t need a new car (If I went upstate where I’d be doing a lot more driving my parents feel I’d need a safer car that can do snow and long trips better)

4. I would have no gap in health insurance that I’d have to pay for.

5. NYU offers a few deals through city hospitals in which the hospital gives you around 20k towards your education in exchange for the guarantee that you’ll work for them for a year or two afterwards… I’d apply for these and hopefully get one.

Our biggest idea is for my Dad to move into the basement and for me to move back into my old bedroom on the main floor of the house, and for us to rent out our upstairs. It’s basically an apartment that we added on to our house so my mom’s aunt could live with us when she got old, that I moved into after she went into a nursing home. Even if I don’t wind up in NYU, I think this would be a good idea, because the money we earn from rent could go towards our mortgage or my loans for BU.

Putting aside cost, NYU would have been my top choice for a school anyway. They have clinical placements all over the city, I’d be living in Manhattan, probably talking lots of Spanish, I’d be out of my parents’ house but close enough that I could go home on weekends to study or do stuff, and I’d be in NEW YORK!!!! So I’m definitely going to apply and then see if we can swing it financially.


(1 universal traveler | want to see the world?)

  2009.12.28  19.26

My day started off in a rather amusing way today. I was standing in the kitchen drinking milk when my mom started to do one of those “Uhhh! Uhhh! Uhhh!” things people do before they sneeze. She spun around trying to reach the tissue box but knocked it on the floor, and subsequently sneezed in my face. Then she sneezed a second time, this time so loud that she farted, twice. She then started uncontrollably laughing, making a chortling gasping sound, and sneeze-farted one last time before saying “I should go to the bathroom.” My mom is probably the single most unintentionally funny person I know.

When we talked about it tonight at dinner, she said: "This is what my mornings are normally like, I'm always down here thinking, 'I hope Matthew doesn't catch me!'"

At work today, I had to do inventory, which meant that I counted “two, four, six, eight…” over and over again while the woman next to me kept blabbing non sequiturs like “My husband had two drinks over the weekend and started yelling everything! Did I tell you that my parents’ dog has arthritis AND cancer?” Ugh.

I downloaded a bunch of science podcasts to help me get through each day at work. I’ve been reading a lot more science lately in preparation for nursing pre reqs and I’m actually really excited to get back into it. I was a dedicated social science person in college, but I was always very interested in the physical sciences in high school and wanted to be a biologist for a long time, but was dissuaded by people telling me that it’s impossible to get a job if you study biology. I don’t know how I ever came to think anthropology would be more practical than biology and I kind of wish somebody had told me “Plan to be a doctor if you want to study biology!” I’ll never want to be just one thing, but I think I need to grab nursing and run with it by this point if I want to have some sort of a real job in the foreseeable future.


(1 universal traveler | want to see the world?)

  2009.12.21  18.52

I'm a fuzzy panda bear!!!!

la la la

Not really, I just felt like making an entry. Work has been better because they shifted me to a different department. The people I deal with are still crazy/alcoholics/losers/retarded but at least they are not violent and aggressive towards me, so I feel a lot better going to work each day. I'm trying to enroll in my nursing pre reqs for this spring, but it's a juggling act of figuring out which schools have which pre reqs and offer which courses and which classes aren't filled already. Oddly enough, although I normally get along much better with my dad than my mom, lately he's been striking me as passive-aggressive, inconsiderate and bitchy--traits I might tolerate in a drag queen, but not my parents. At dinner, in order to avoid endless silence or the insufferable pain of having to hear my dad say something or ask a question, my mom goes on and on about the most inane stuff, which drives me crazy sometimes. This is life as usual with my parents, though. I'm so good at hiding my emotions from myself I didn't even realize this was on my mind until I began to write just now. Overall, I've been happy and optimistic over the past several weeks. Tonight I plan on finishing and wrapping Christmas gifts and doing other odds and ends. I saw a sunset on a snowy beach yesterday that was almost surreal because it was so beautiful. I felt like I was an Eskimo in the tundra. Speaking of which, I read the other day that Eskimos traditionally believed the northern lights are souls waiting to be reborn. The !kung believe the Milky Way is the backbone of the sky. I prefer to know the actual scientific explanation, but beautiful ideas nonetheless.


(3 universal travelers | want to see the world?)

  2009.11.30  23.53
the state of my union

Some positives of the past few months:

--Living with my parents has made me appreciate how hard both of them have worked for so long to give me all of the chances I’ve had. My dad has two full time jobs and only sleeps for four or five hours a night during the week. My mom now has a second job on the weekends doing activities in a nursing home, meaning she works seven days a week and has to do all of the cooking and cleaning on top of that. As anxious as I can get on days when my entire schedule is work, physical therapy, gym, shower, eat, and go to bed, I know my parents are working even harder than that.

--I’ve gained a lot of confidence lately in my ability to perform a job well. A few of my last entries from senior year were almost entirely about how afraid I was that I’d never get a job, or I’d be too stupid or lazy to perform even the simplest tasks. Working in the factory has showed me that having common sense, which I’d like to think I normally have, is enough to put me ahead of the pack in almost any situation, even if it’s an unfamiliar one. I find myself looking to take on more work and responsibility, instead of dodging it like I sometimes did with academics in college. Working there has taught me that I like working with my hands and involving my body in my work, which is what pushed me towards nursing and away from social work. I am WAY more excited with the idea of nursing than social work, and having a more concrete idea of what I want to do with my life has helped me get through some of the busy and tough days.

--I think last year I had really settled into this bizarre idea that upon leaving college I would immediately decide what kind of life I wanted to lead and make all of these big important morality decisions, but that hasn’t been the case at all. I wrote in my journal that if life is only once, how can I know whether to live it like a Buddhist monk or Hunter S. Thompson? How would I be happier? But I’ve realized that the best I can do in any situation is just keep myself open to change and explore the random and unexpected things that present themselves to me. I can change my life in many ways at many times and what I don’t directly experience I can read about, see or listen to. I don’t need to worry about defining myself through my “Life Philosophy,” but in small ways through the people I know and interact with, the places I go, my sense of humor and appreciation for the many absurdities of life, the pictures I take…

--I kind of expected this would happen after college, but I’m so fed up with alcohol. If I only have two days to myself all week, I just don’t find it pleasurable to wake up with an upset stomach, bad tastes in my mouth, dehydrated limbs, or a headache. On the weekends I like being able to feel like I made progress with something and drinking just gets in my way. I don't like not being able to remember what I talked to people about. If I meet somebody new, I'd rather get to know the real them and not the drunken "say anything" them. I don’t like alcohol much right now and I don't miss it.

--I’m reading a lot on my own for the first time in a while and I’m really enjoying it. In the past two months, I've read: "Miles From Nowhere" by Nami Mun, "Push" by Sapphire (the novel that the movie Precious is based on--the book was better), "Stiff: The Curious Loves of Human Cadavers" by Mary Roach, "The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down" by Anne Fadiman, and most of "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins, which made me realize how essentially sad it is that there is anyone out there who regardless or religious beliefs doesn't fully understand or accept evolution (like my Mom who asks why, if evolution is true, did some monkeys evolve while others didn't?).

Some negatives of the past few months:

--I subluxated my right shoulder (a minor dislocation), probably while doing a pushup, and have had to go to physical therapy three times a week. I then hurt the other shoulder by overcompensating with my left arm at work. Stock of all my broken pieces to date: two knee surgeries and torn cartilage in both knees, osteoporosis, vitamin D deficiency, gastritis and bleeding caused by vitamin D pills, a stress fracture in my back, and now two bad shoulders. I was recommended to see two specialists to explore links between all these injuries, my joint hypermobility, and the possibility that I have something wrong with my connective tissue. To make things worse, my knee gave out on me pretty bad while I was stretching it the other day and hasn’t gotten better yet. I’m really afraid of more knee surgery. I just want to be able to run and dance and sit down on the toilet bowl like everyone else and not have to worry about needing surgery for it later.

--My OCD, paranoid, bipolar 42-year-old coworker is one of the most difficult people I’ve ever had to get along with for an extended amount of time. I have a higher tolerance for bullshit than almost anyone, but about two weeks ago we got into a shouting match and he started waving his hands around and threatened to show me “what real men do” when we got out of work. He apologized a few minutes later for threatening me, but since then I haven't been around him without automatically getting into a bad mood. It’s just so humiliating to have to accept somebody else’s blatant bullshit because they are so mentally unbalanced there is no reasoning with them and then be physically threatened over something as petty as putting things away in boxes. He’s supposedly spent half his life in prison and he knows I live right around the corner, so I was actually pretty frightened by the whole thing. I used to find his quirks funny and actually get along with him pretty well, and talked to him more than anyone there, but now I can’t enjoy him because of how easily he turned on me. Work hasn’t been very pleasant lately.

--I miss being close to my friends. I’m friendly with almost everyone at work but I feel like all day long, whether it’s coworkers, my parents, the people I see at the gym or therapy, it’s just endless small talk. I don’t like that I’m mostly closeted at work. I just want to have a good friend or two around. Essentially somebody to come and laugh at my life with me, because the past few days I've been laughing a lot by myself at myself, but laughter is almost always better shared!


(1 universal traveler | want to see the world?)

  2009.11.22  00.06

I may not have much fun with friends on the weekend anymore, but I certainly just had fun with my parents! We got two rounds of drinks with dinner and when the waitress found out we had never sake bombed before came and did sake bombs with us, then we got two jars of hot sake (which the waitress also shared with us) and my mom drove us home drunk singing to Lady Gaga and the Beach Boys and refused to move if my dad and I didn't sing along. RIDICULOUS.

me: "Mom, you're drunk right now."

mom: "No, If I was drunk you'd know it."

me: "I do know it and I just said it!"

mom: "Well do you want to go back out for another round?"

Tonight almost felt like college!


(want to see the world?)

  2009.11.15  01.23

I’ve been spending the past two hours going through all of my old livejournal entries and copying them into a word document along with all of the good comments because I’ve been paranoid for a long time that they’ll one day shut down livejournal and I’ll lose six years of my life.

I really miss when a lot of my good friends had livejournals and would comment and update regularly, I always really liked this site because I thought it was a great way to keep in touch with people. It makes me kind of sad that its so out of date now! I guess it totally got passed up by facebook and blogs. Speaking of facebook, I dropped 100 friends off my list and I’m thinking of paring it down even more. Now that college is over and I’m away from Boston, I realized how essentially creepy it is that I have so much personal information up there and that so many people I don’t even know well could see it. Do 600+ people really need to see me upload photos of my Halloween costume or of me as a kid? I don’t think so.

Its funny how memory can change over time. I always tell people that sophomore year of college was probably the best year of my life but I sound kind of depressed and frustrated in a lot of my entries from then. Funnily enough, I sound much more cheerful in my high school entries, which I don’t remember to be a particularly great time. Also, one thing that’s always confused me is that I never wrote anything in my personal entries about my sexuality before I came out. It’s hard for me to remember how I felt about myself for all those years knowing that I was attracted to guys but wasn't willing to admit it even to myself. I wish I had recorded that aspect of my life better. Also I find it mildly depressing that four years ago I wrote about how I was glad I was finally out and could look for a boyfriend but I still haven't really had one (lately I've been leaning against counting my Ecua bf as a real bf because I'm not even sure we were dating haha. I might have just misunderstood what he said).

I thought my whole life philosophy of "The only thing we can be sure of is that everything is absurd" was something I developed mostly during my last year of college, but I definitely started with it in high school, I just didn't use the actual word "absurd" then to describe people and situations. I told somebody in work the other day that our other coworker is a highly absurd person and he asked me what I meant by that. I replied, "So ridiculous as to make it seem improbable that he is real." Sometimes I'm not sure if even I'm real. For instance, how do I know I studied abroad in Ecuador? What if I go to look at my photos and they're not on my shelf anymore? What if I call my family's number and somebody I don't know picks up? Sometimes my memories of whole sections of my life seem so tenuous that I'm not sure what even happened to me.

I haven’t been updating at all lately mostly because my life is pretty boring right now and when I go through stages where I find myself bored or in such a strong routine like this I normally avoid talking to people or writing in a journal. I’m still working in the factory packaging department and my three months probation end next week, so I’ve applied for health insurance and I’ll hopefully get a tiny raise. For two months I was spending 10 hours a week in the gym and was really happy with doing something positive for my body for a change instead of weekend after weekend of binge drinking, but I’ve been sick ever since Halloween so I hadn’t gone in like two and a half weeks until I went again today.

I’m pretty serious about doing an accelerated nursing program to become an RN over going the social work route, since the pay is better, there’s a lot of demand for the profession, I can become a traveling nurse (signed up with an agency) and relocate every few months, there’s plenty of room for studying more and advancing my career, there’s ample ability to volunteer abroad, and I’d be working more with my hands and body (I’ve learned from the factory that I am a much more dedicated worker when I can invest some physical effort into my work and I’m afraid that social work is too strictly talking to people, spending time in meetings, and talking on the phone). I’m talking to people now and looking into programs and prerequisites and all of that stuff. I’m much more excited about this idea than I was about social work; I was really considering that because it matched up well with my majors, not because I thought it was that one profession I would find most rewarding over all others.

Hmm I forgot how nicely cathartic it is to write a livejournal entry, maybe I shall do it more often from now on. :)


(3 universal travelers | want to see the world?)

  2009.09.21  23.07

It's been an absurdly long time since I've written anything in here. The rest of my time in Argentina was fantastic, and I can only hope I'll return one day and spend more time there. Buenos Aires has got to be one of the greatest cities in the world. I got back August 1st and have been living at home with my parents since then, working in the packaging department of the same factory I worked at in between high school and college, but I've been sporadically applying to other jobs, and interviewed for one I'd be VERY happy with... I should find out tomorrow or Wednesday.

Even though I swore I'd never move back home after college, things kind of just turned out that way. My dad was losing time at work because of the recession and my mom was and still is considering leaving her job because she basically hates the people in her office, so with that going on I didn't feel right asking for my parents to cover my airfare, housing, and health insurance while I earned 500 dollars a month teaching English in Spain. I also wasn't up for another move after Argentina. Having so much space once again and not having to live in such close quarters with a roommate (or nosey host mom who opens my door instead of knocking) has been really relaxing. Most of my friends are still in school or have no idea what they're doing beyond the next month or two, so it's not like I really have anywhere else that I'd like to move to right now anyway.

I have almost no friends here anymore, but I've also had a lot of nice me time to make up for it. I've started taking photos with my film camera again, taking bike rides, playing tennis and excercising! I got a gym membership tonight, but it's been a solid month now of working out at home or just sneaking in with my mom to her gym, and I've got to say I love it! It makes me feel so much more bouncy and energetic, and my back doesn't hurt when I bend over anymore, and my knees don't hurt if I squat (I've injured both knees and my back over the past four years). I doubt anyone else can see the physical difference besides my mom, but I love that my muscles feel bigger every time after I work out. I really want to get into very good shape. I always joke with Jan that I'd like to work for a month in NYC as a go-go dancer. Overall I've just felt very positive lately, like I can be tough and fight for myself if I need to, but I can still appreciate quiet moments and little pleasures.

I can see myself working for a year or two nearby, saving money by living at home, and then going abroad for another year once I can do it on my own financially. I feel almost guilty for living at home, because I feel like it's the easiest thing to do, but it's also the most practical for me right now, and as long as I'm taking up some new/old hobbies I think it's fine. I WISH I were somewhere more exciting, but having nobody to move anywhere with and with job prospects being so bleak... I think I'd rather build up my resume and save money, so that when Jan Allie and Andrea are all free after this year, hopefully I'll be in a good position to do something more exciting!

La vida es como la espuma, por eso hay que darse como el mar...


(want to see the world?)

  2009.06.29  23.53

Random points about Argentina and life in general:

--My host dad was describing how to cook various things and it reminded me of Carl Weathers on Arrested Development. “Fry the meat, put on some salt, vinegar, and chau! you’ve got a meal!” I ate cow tongue tonight. I thought it was steak at first. It was actually pretty tasty.

--Deciding to do a second major in Spanish lit really didn’t improve my Spanish at all, has made me cease to enjoy reading fiction, and brought down my GPA… so I really hope the extra title helps me get a job, because otherwise it will have been totally worthless. I have to say that I really just don’t see value—artistic or otherwise—in a lot of what I read. Non-fiction helps me understand the world so much better than fiction and it’s much more accessible and direct than a lot of literature. And being with a bunch of grad student literature fanatics can be very frustrating… I just always want to say, “Guys… where’s the anthropology?” I just can’t wait for my pathetic “literature studies” to end at this point. I spent a significant amount of time in class today discussing the difference between civilization and “barbarism” and just wanted to shoot myself.

--Thinking back to how I reacted in a bunch of different situations when I had first gotten to Ecuador and comparing that to now, I feel like I’ve become a much more self-assured, outgoing person than I was then. Coming here has actually made me more confident about going back to the States and finding a job and deciding big life things. Most of all, it’s reminded me how much I like Spanish, that I will probably never reach a point where I’ll consider my Spanish to be good, and that I love travelling, talking to people, and learning about their culture and language. There have been a few moments here that I’ve been so happy it’s just been fucking stoopid, and I want to always have those feelings in my life and not settle for something that doesn’t make me feel passionate or alive every single day.

--Buenos Aires is one of the few cities I’ve ever been to that I could see myself being happy living in for a long time. However, I do miss the Andean culture… it’s very different here.

--Two of my Dad’s cousins who I think he hasn’t talked to in many years friended me on facebook and uploaded a photo of my great grandfather. He was massively tall, mostly from his legs, which I think must be where I get my height from! I think he was Irish but was born in Canadian before later moving to New York.

--I’ve been thinking a lot about Jan lately and how I’m basically “in love” with her (I’ve always hate using those words because what the fuck do they actually mean?) and how she’s the only person who I’d be happy coming home to every day for the rest of my life and raising kids with. It’s such an absurd situation. There’s a way I feel when I’m with her that I just can’t get to any other way.

I wish I could live free
Hope it's not beyond me
Settling down takes time
One day we'll live together
And life will be better
I have it here, yeah, in my mind
Baby, you know someday you'll slow
And baby, my hearts been breaking.

I saw a really beautiful headstone inside of a cemetery the other day.

Rafaelito: Nuestras lágrimas regarán siempre tu sepulcro querido así como nuestros corazones sangrarán hasta secarse recordándote.

Tus padres.

Enero 5 de 1928.



(want to see the world?)

  2009.05.29  01.42

I’ve enjoyed coming home so far. I forgot how huge my bedroom at home is. It’s really nice to have room for all of my stuff and so much space, especially after living in the common room of my last apartment and not even a real bedroom. I like that I don’t need to cook for myself, do dishes or grocery shop. I like that I can sit in my backyard and not even have to walk all the way to the park. I don’t like most of the people on Long Island and the small town atmosphere (today the deli lady, who knows my mom, asked me if my mom wanted to burn the “Nobody knows I’m gay” t-shirt I wore into the deli —weird) but I fucking love my house and the comforts of living here.  

I’m taking the GRE in six days so I’m busy studying for that. I leave for Argentina two weeks after that and come back August 1st.

I’m trying to decide what I want to do after Argentina and I think I have three options: teach abroad, move some random place and get a job there, or live at home, work locally, and research/visit grad schools for the following year.

I never ever thought I’d seriously consider staying on Long Island the year after I graduated, but it makes so much more sense economically, with my dad losing time at work and his company downsizing, and me only being good for low-paying entry level stuff no matter where I go. I decided I don’t like the TEFL job I got in Spain because there’s no housing provided and paying my own airfare and just showing up in a country I’ve never been to before and having to find my own housing is a little too daunting for me. I know some of the TEFL programs in Asia provide housing and airfare, so I’m going to look into those. I’m not even that hyped up for working abroad though anymore, the reality kind of set in that I’d have to leave everyone behind for almost a year again. I’d really like to do TEFL if I could bring someone like Jan or Allie with me.

As for just up and moving somewhere, I’m tired of Boston and its shitty bars and clubs, so I wouldn’t want to go back there just yet. I don’t have anyone to move with though, or a good job to move for, so I don’t know how much sense it makes for me to go to Phili or some other random place to serve food or write letters or other dumb stuff I could just do on Long Island. I’m also just fucking tired of always packing and moving around and the thought of doing it again so soon is blah. If I stay local for the next year, I can get by on just visiting my friends on weekends—Jan in Binghamton, Allie in Albany, Meg and Lauren in DC, and Andrea and everyone else in Boston. I can really take my time researching social work programs and visiting schools. I'm sure applying for grad schools from fucking ASIA would be a bit annoying, as well.

where will i go what will i do where will i go what will i do


(1 universal traveler | want to see the world?)

  2009.05.21  17.41

Graduation was a bit of a weird experience for me. I marched and “graduated” and have finished all my classes at BU, but I’ve still got the two to go in Argentina, so it all felt very inconclusive. My parents, four cousins, an uncle and Jan all came to visit. It was a huge blur of people and places. A few people I didn’t get to say goodbye to at all, while other people I kept saying goodbye to and then running into again and again. Overall, it was great to see everybody, especially Jan and my cousins, but I was pretty unemotional when it came to goodbyes and ceremonies and leaving.

I kind of realized the other night that all year I’d been comparing myself to all of the best people I know and feeling fairly inadequate. I didn’t try anywhere near my hardest in college, but I still finished with pretty good results. I feel like if I did what I did at BU with not too much effort, then when I find something I want to really dedicate myself to, like a social work masters or a good job that I believe in, I can still really excel. The next few months will probably be pretty sloppy as I travel, finish my classes and look for a job, but I’m pretty confident that in the long term I have the knowledge and skills to find a job that I’m happy with and lead a good life.

I think the only meaning life has is the meaning we give it, and if I keep close to my friends and family and do something to make the world a better place, I don’t think I can expect or do anything more.

I also decided I’m going to get back into photography and take my nice film camera with me to Argentina.

Goodbye BU and Boston!


(want to see the world?)

  2009.05.05  23.25

I got an email today saying that I got a spot with the ESL teacher program in Spain that I applied to, and I got my first choice location--Andalucía, where it's sunny and warm all year round!

I'm only worried because I've heard the Spanish visa process can take up to two months, and I need my passport June 20th-August 1st while I'm in Argentina. I'm afraid if I send my passport away before then I won't get it back and I won't be able to graduate on time (Argentina is my last two courses) but I'm also afraid that if I only start the application process after I get back from Argentina, I'll run out of time before I need to be in Spain. Which basically means I need to get in contact with someone at the embassy who knows what's going on very soon to figure out if I can accept this job or not.

Regardless of what happens, I'm pretty decided that I want to teach abroad next year if at all possible. I'm also glad that I got the first real life job I ever applied to. There's a small amount of hope, I guess. ^__^



(1 universal traveler | want to see the world?)

  2009.05.03  21.06

I'm SO OVER crazy people who I BARELY KNOW yet assume that I care about all of their problems and am willing to sit around and play therapist with them. I hate one way relationships. Maybe these people just strike me as so completely absurd because I'm the complete opposite and tend to bottle up my angst rather than go blah blah blah to people who are only my acquaintances.

In other news, I've decided that I completely dislike musical theater after seeing Hair and Spring Awakening recently.

I've felt very unsatisfied over the past few days and I'm waiting for something magical to sweep me off my feet. An hour after waking up today I was already back in bed for a three hour nap. Ridiculous. In four days finals will be over and life after college will start. I hate gay boys. Almost as much as I hate crazy lesbians.



(1 universal traveler | want to see the world?)

  2009.04.28  08.46

I have to turn a 12 page paper in at 11:00 this morning that I didn't start writing until almost 2:00 the morning beforehand. In typical fashion, this is a semi-research paper that we were supposed to work on over the past month and a half; I never even got a topic or bibliography approved.

Anyway, college paper writing is almost over for me. I guess I mineaswell write my favorite two estrofas down here to remember this shitty paper by.

cuando pasé de largo te cubriste
muy despacio la cara
y me dijiste adiós

ese nítido gesto de tu mano
ondeando hasta caer
en el manto oscurísimo
fue tan limpio
fue tan innegable
que también yo
me despedí
de mí

Ugh I am about to despedirme de mí if I don't finish this essay soon ji ji ji.



(2 universal travelers | want to see the world?)

  2009.04.27  02.39
: p

im spending 2 moths living in a thai buddhist temple teaching monks english while they teach me to speak english. i also get a tour of bangkok

how much you wanna bet ill fuck a monk in the temple while in thailand




(4 universal travelers | want to see the world?)

  2009.04.20  17.10

Amidst a night of mild public debauchery (getting drunk on the ocean with a bunch of gays) I got this one photo that I really like.

I hate that pretty people are always really fucking boring.

My dad told me yesterday: "So I guess we'll start piecing your life together bit by bit after you graduate." I am so unprepared for anything at the moment.

The marathon ran right under my window for six hours today but I couldn't even go outside to enjoy it--too much work to do!

Happy 420! 


(1 universal traveler | want to see the world?)

  2009.04.07  22.31
si estás oculta cómo sabré quién eres?

I always seem completely incapable of turning mutual attraction into a relationship or maintaining that attraction for more than a month. It’s so fucking irritating.

And as much as I love being able to text Allie absurd things like “I just had a threesome with a Native American while a virgin rimmed me,” I would really really really like for one time in my life to experience sex that is at least semi-meaningful to me. Seriously.

too long too boring didn"t readCollapse )


(want to see the world?)

  2009.04.05  01.13

I haven't been updating at all lately, but life has been pretty good. I've been feeling optimistic and positive about a lot of things. I like my new group of friends a lot. Graduation is so soon. Spring is coming. I'll be in Argentina in a little more than two months and then have to find a job somewhere. Mmmmm blah blah :)

People's little random quirks and everyday absurdities have been enough for me lately. Things are still kind of confusing with the boy I like.

I normally don't like getting wet in the rain, but a few days ago I woke up from a nap and the air was hazy and it was raining and thundering, and walking around in it was amazing.

I've loved college. I want to leave but I want to stay. I think after I graduate I'm going to listen to the Asher Roth song over and over and cry like a little bitch. "And I love college... hey! and I love drinking... hey! and I love women... hey!"


(want to see the world?)

  2009.03.29  20.13

This whole thing with David is pretty frustrating. When we’re alone I feel very comfortable and affectionate with him, but since we haven’t talked about what our relationship really is I don’t know how to act around him when we’re with other people, or if I should kiss or hug him goodbye and stuff. I thought maybe I could ask him to dinner and a movie to sort of clarify that we’re “dating” but I’m not even sure I’d like that. I guess we mostly just talk about the other people in the group when we’re not making out or cuddling (which I really like btws). It’s hard to tell where physical attraction ends and romantic attraction begins, but he is a really sweet and nice person and has a good sense of humor. I also feel weird about asking him to come over; I don’t want it to sound like I’m just suggesting we have sex, because I really would like to get to know him better somehow, but he seems busy and pretty involved with all of his commitments so I haven’t even seen him that much.

If we’re just going to be friends with benefits until I graduate in a month, I would like that clarified so I know how to act. I can get really affectionate really fast, but I hate the constant doubt of if it’s going to be reciprocated. I should probably bring it up…

I always wind up in these stupid, half-fulfilled relationships. Fuck my life!

I would do it
Push a button
Pull a trigger
Climb a mountain
Jump off a cliff
Cause you know baby I love you love you
A little bit


(3 universal travelers | want to see the world?)

  2009.03.06  03.30

I'm leaving in like 24 hours to volunteer in Tulsa over spring break, mostly in a gay youth center and a little bit in a high school for at-risk youth. It'll be fun to see what the other 90% of the country looks like, and we're stopping at the Niagra Falls on our way out.

BUT nothing makes me more depressed than group enthusiasm for a good cause, so we'll see how I hold up on my little goody-two-shoes adventure. The worst part is that we're going to a gay bar and having a drag party and these evil people aren't going to let me drink anything. I think eight days will be my longest sober stretch since way before my alcohol strike began this semester.

I signed up for a catering job that necessitates I skip two classes every time I work, but at this point I think something like catering will probably become my professional career and my resume needs the leg up. I'm officially finishing and sending both my Argentina summer program and my teach English in Spain applications tomorrow, which is a huge load off my... chest, or something. But now I'm concerned I'll have massive issues getting a visa for Spain while I'm in Argentina and that it might wind up being easier for me to find a job in Argentina while I'm already there and then have vastly simpler visa issues. Even though I'm mailing my application in twelve hours, I still don't know what provinces I'm going to apply for and I wish I didn't leave that for last, thinking that it would be easy. I wish I had motivated myself to walk down the street to the used bookstore to buy a travel guide.

I got my haircut today and she took TWO HOURS. TWO HOURS for hair that didn't barely cover my eyebrows. Ridiculous. My butt was sore from sitting for so long. She's one of those people I don't actually like but I like them anyway.


Ooh, got stuck, ooh, flypaper
I don't care, I don't care
Who's that girl? She's flypaper
She don't care, she don't care


(2 universal travelers | want to see the world?)

  2009.03.02  13.02
snow day conversation with Andrea

“The only dvd I have left is Stephan Hawking’s Universe.”

“What’s he going to do? Sit in a wheelchair, and…”

“…Were you just about to make fun of the world’s smartest disabled person for being disabled?”

And later, while googling him,

“Look at him! I can’t even handle it.”

Oh, Andrea.

And it continues: "I didn't imply that I think he's not worth my time, I just think it would be hard to handle looking at him."

When asked about if the quotes were correct: "We should only communicate through books, that's how I feel."


(1 universal traveler | want to see the world?)

  2009.02.25  07.42

It's probably because I've been super stressed lately and the fact that I got only two hours of sleep last night, but as soon as I stood in the shower this morning I thought: GHOSTS. I couldn't stop having so many images form horror movies come to mind and thinking how creepy it would be if I turned around and there was a corpse standing in the shower with me.

Then while I was cooking breakfast, this electro song "Television Man" came on and I kept thinking that the guy in the song with a "white face and blue lipstick" was actually a corpse and the song was about him jumping out of the TV. "Television man, you were there when I woke up."

Now I'm sitting here eating egg and am very paranoid. I think my whole morning has been somebody else's acid flashback.Ugh, it's absurd.


(1 universal traveler | want to see the world?)

  2009.02.21  19.41

I was trying to take the moral high ground with this Indian guy by actually getting to know him before I fooled around with him. It was going well for me, and we decided we were “dating-ish” which I was happy about. HOWEVER, big mistake…

When I finally did fool around with him several hours after “dating-ish” was agreed upon as an appropriate label, he was bad. BAD. Like really bad, at everything. So bad that I almost didn’t know what was happening. Indescribably bad. Pretending to be asleep kind of bad. Wondering if I was being mildly violated in the middle of the night as he groped me while I was “sleeping” kind of bad.

Which is why I will never again get close to a guy before fooling around with them.

Being a slut pays off.

Sex is a good litmus test for boyfriends, and I learned my lesson. Now I have no idea what to do with this guy ugggggghhhhh.


(2 universal travelers | want to see the world?)

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